[identity profile] crowninvisible.livejournal.com posting in [community profile] thedirtyverse
November 1720.

My dearest brother,

At least you, I believe, are still in England for me to be able to write to! I hear Philip has left to go back to his family in the colonies, and it is too terribly far for me to send letters there. But there is so much I have to say! Being his wife – Robert, I have no idea where to begin. I have never been so happy.

Calescotia is quiet and peaceful and simple and it is the way home is not in so many ways, and you would love it if you had stayed, I know it. I am not certain if I ever again wish to leave, even for holiday. I know Larus would not care to ever have me do so! He barely leaves my side.

We have talked of so many things; of children, of the future, of our estate. I am somewhat afraid, my dear, of how to tell him the truth of what I am – or what I am supposed to do once he knows! What if he thinks badly of me? What if he is afraid of me? I do not know why it plagues me so – he loves me and will love me all the same even if I am something other than what I might seem to be – even if I am other than I claim to be. Oh, Robert, I lied to him, I have been lying to him. It is not as if I intentionally have been – but I did, I am, I am not sure what to do. I had barely thought of it until I began this missive (which had no previous purpose except to ramble on speaking of my marriage and home life!) and now it has me in quite a panic.

I cannot ask Mother her thoughts or Papa of his – simply because it is so awkward to do so, and I have no idea how Papa handled it either – but if you could tell me, please, what you think I should perhaps do in this situation, dear one – I am at so much of a loss! How these feelings surprise me. A halfhearted mention ends with all this anxiety pouring out at my fingertips.

Mother was right when she said she thought perhaps letters would help me to express my thoughts better to the family. And write back soon, tell me also of yourself, and of life, and of the family – try to contact Philip and get him to tell me a story of the New World, would you please?

Yours always,
Valerie

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